Am I beautiful? Am I Usable?

Another blog is long overdue. Lets jump right in.

Since the end of December i decided to get back on the “Fitness Band wagon” for lack of a better term. For the last year i was in a deep depression because i let things get to me and it caused me to let myself go. I gained about 60 pounds from it. Was  i ok with it?
Hell no. Did i wanna do anything about it at the time? Another Hell no.

I often thought to myself, whats the point? Who gives a shit? Why should i try so hard when every single time i try i get knocked down? So what the f*ck is the point?

In My head, i would be so disgusted with myself every time i saw a picture of me pop up on twitter, or instagram because of what i looked like. I would be unhappy with the reflection that starred back at me every morning. I felt that i was so far gone that i felt like i couldn’t do anything about it. Or i wouldn’t do anything about it because “Boo hoo. Why?”

Well, it took some major reality checking and tough love for me to realize that i was just feeling sorry for myself, and that is not who i am. That has never been what defined me as a person. So why am i letting it affect me this deeply now?

I had to get the f*ck up, dust that shit off, and DO SOMETHING. I told myself … “Listen, Bitch. You’re a badass. You are strong. Your past doesn’t define you. Your career isn’t over. You have people who look up to you. Stop feeling sorry for yourself … Stop making excuses. Stop saying ‘i’ll start Monday!’ Do this shit now. You’re 30 years old. It is now or never.”

So, 3 months ago i pulled myself out of the sadness i let over take me. I started lifting at the gym. I started cleaning up my diet. Another thing i stopped doing was comparing myself to others. I’ve accepted  my body for what it is, i saw a tremendous different in my outlook of myself as a whole. Ladies, you cannot sit on social media all day and wish you could look like the model, the wrestler, the actress, etc. This is the beautiful thing about all of us ladies. We are each unique in our own way. All of our bodies are different. Shape, size, features, hair…. We aren’t all suppose to be the same. You cant obsess over wanting someone else’s body type when you can focus on your own body and making it the best and most healthy that it can be.

I still struggle with comparing sometimes. I still get down on myself too. But the difference now is that i can pull myself out of it because i know my worth. I know that even when i am at my most fit, that i still have a booty and thick thighs, and i don’t want it any other way. This is my body and its about damn time i embrace that. When i was young, in high school, i was confident. I had no issues with my body. Boys had crushes on me. I was friends with everyone. I was happy with who i was. I started training to wrestle when i was a senior in high school. i  was DEVASTATED when the guys there told me that i needed to LOSE WEIGHT if i wanted to do anything in this business. Here i was, just turned 17, and my world was FLIPPED upside down. They would point out my cellulite, grab at my legs and make comments about how it wasn’t acceptable. It broke my heart.

here are some pictures of me from high school:

 

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right side is me kissing my mama on the cheek.Look how THIN i was!!!  Left, is my winter home coming picture. I was the home coming queen that year, and that was the dress i picked. (LOL) 

 

Now, looking at these pictures i get so mad. I let them tell me i didn’t look the part. I let the guys i trained with (i was the only girl) , and jerk wrestling “fans” convince me i wasn’t skinny enough. Or beautiful enough. For several years up to now even, i would obsess over parts of me that weren’t “perfect”. I invested in so many diet fads and obsessed over what i was suppose to look like for so long because of this. I am actually crying right as i type this very sentence because i let haters convince me i wasn’t good enough. If i  could go back and tell the girl is these pictures above that she was beautiful, and didn’t need to crash diet, do juice cleanses, and pinch at her legs in the mirror wishing they were smaller, i would. I would tell her not to listen to the negativity.

If i knew then what i know now, i would have gotten further, faster. Maybe. Or maybe i was suppose to go through all of that heart ache. Maybe it was suppose to make me who i am today. Regardless, here we are. Despite all of the issues I’ve dealt with negatively, there has also been some positive. I gained an amazing fan base through being DIFFERENT alone. There are fans i have met who have become friends, who have touched my heart as i have theirs. Who give me support even when i fucked up. Who accept me for who i am, so why shouldn’t i accept myself?????

After embracing all of this, and even writing out this very blog, i realize that i have a voice. I have  a voice that people listen to. I get messages often from people who tell me that i have inspired them. They reach out to me for help. I want to help them. if i can, i will.

Because i started believing in myself, i am happier and healthier. In 3 months i am down almost 50 pounds and counting. I am happy living a healthier life style and I’m doing this because it helps ME feel better about ME! I am going to be the best me that i can, and i am going to succeed.

Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom and feel sorry for yourself to realize you can do better for yourself. You are allowed to have as many day ones as you need, we are all human. But when you  get to the point where you know something needs to change, do it for YOURSELF! Not for another person. Not for your job. Because if you do it for anyone other than yourself, then it won’t last. You owe it to yourself.

 

So the title of this blog is an AFI lyric that has always hit home for me. Because its questions that i have always had ask myself. I know the answer now.

Am i beautiful? Am i usable? —- Fuck yes. Yes i am. And so are you. Find motivation in whatever it is you love. And be the best you , that you can be.

Don’t let them tell you that you cant. No more excuses.

“Do you boo boo!! Cuz ima do ME!” – Kevin Hart (Genius)

As always thank you for your time. I really appreciate it. If anyone needs help, feel free to message me.

I want to continue to inspire you all in anyway that i can.

 

If i can do this, so can you.

 

 

Love you all,

 

J-Hav OUT!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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“We’re all the same dear. I have owned this life forever…. I’ll always remain….”

If a lot of you “fans” had to live your life under the microscope that we have to, you would go insane.   Even on a more miniscule scale.  Whether it be the indies, TNA, Wwe, etc.  The nerve that some of you have is disgusting and downright bullying.  But because you want to have your “15 minutes” to judge someone and say hurtful things online behind your Phone, or computer just to feel relevant , you think its OK.

It’s not.

I am to a point now where I am fed up with the constant BS that people spread about me, and spreading stories about even some of my closest friends,  acting like they know the full story when really they only have pieces.   Half stories.  And even some of the half stories are bullshit.   You have no right to judge us, as you yourself are NOT perfect.  No one is.   Not one of you.

This is by no means a pity party.  I’m just done keeping my mouth shut about everything and letting random people feel like they can further slander my name and think it is OK.

I’ve been through a lot of shit in the last couple of Years of my career.  Things people don’t know about, and things that were blown so far out of proportion that it cost me my dream job. I fully expect people to lash out at me again.  Call me a liar, and everything else that they called me before all of this died down. But it’s OK.  I have nothing left to lose at this point.  So now I am going to tell my story.

Back sometime in 2014 tna reached out to me to do a knockouts one night only against Madison Rayne.  I happily accepted because it will have been the biggest thing that happened to me in my then 10 years in. It went well. They asked me back by offering me a “deal”. Long story short I was dicked around about a contract for about 9 months before they decided awesome kongs return was a bigger deal than they anticipated, and signed her instead.  I was happy for her, and very sad at the same time.  She herself said there was room enough for both of us there but office didn’t see it that way.

They invited me back for a couple more sets of tapings to job me gloriously to all the people I ran through prior.   Which is fine.. But I knew why they were doing it.  They changed a lot of stuff about me in the process, several people telling me to do stuff a certain way.  I tried to please everyone even though multiple things I was being told to do was contradictory to the other. I tried.  I don’t feel I was given a fair shot to showcase what I can actually do.  I know that some of the girls there were reluctant to work with me based on assuming I would hurt them.  I feel like I was treated unfairly by the office there.  Even though I know for a fact I had Christy Hemme pulling for me.  I’ll be grateful for that.  I know she wanted me there.  I just wish that others would have given me a fair shot.  The one positive is that I got to hold the knockout championship for 5 weeks on national television.  No one can take that from me.  I got to wrestle in Tokyo Japan on bound for glory. No one can take that from me.  I just wish I was given a bigger chance to shine.

I’m leaving out a lot of the shitty things that would make them look 100 times more unprofessional if I repeated it.  I won’t be that guy.  I also don’t care who gets mad about it.

During this time, Sara del rey found out I was never actually contracted with TNA. So she contacted me and I sent her all the criteria for pursuing a tryout.  I was invited to the June tryout of last year with only about two weeks to prepare.  I busted my ass.  Dropped 20 pounds and upped my cardio as best I could.   Let me just say that there is nothing you can do to actually be fully prepared for something like that.   In that 3 days, I endured the hardest physical obstacles and cardio drills.  That tryout was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.   I can’t express to you how painful and physically taxing it was on the body.

I killed it though. I was along side the likes of Athena, Taylor Hendrix, drew Gulak, biff busick, chuck Taylor and johnny Gargano.  I busted my ass and I killed it.  I nailed my promo.  The coaches seemed to love me.  I have every right and reason to believe I was getting signed.

On the third day of my tryout , a group Of trolls, because they don’t deserve to be called fans,  decided to drudge up old tweets from 2010 & 2011 and retweet and tag me in them.  A lot of them were me talking shit about WWE angles and outwardly expressing my disdain for their then women’s division. A lot of girls on the indies then hated it for the way they portrayed women on tv.   I was just the only one stupid enough to post openly about it on my social media.  I will openly admit that I probably wasn’t mature enough to have a social media account at that point in my career. That was a point of my career when I thought it was cool to cuss in promos and say shit for shock value.

What was worse was that they took tweets of me and one of my best friends tweeting jokes back and forth to each other that was considered stereotypically racist.  They were taken out of context and basically I trended world wide as a racist biggot.  I am not and never have been either of those.

I trended world wide as a racist that day.  What is even more fucked up is that the tweets that trended world wide and got plastered on every dirt sheet website weren’t even real.   The KFC one especially.  That same group of little trolls used a twitter app to Photoshop these tweets that made it huge. I had a team of people look into this group and I have screen shots and proof of them bragging about screwing me over.  And even saying things like “who do we mess with next?!” Again, call me a liar and anything else you can think of.  I’ve heard it all at this point.  But I have proof kids.  I am even told I can sue.   Slander and deformation of character.  They cost me my dream job.  I may pursue it. Who knows.  Regardless,

I was so devestated to see myself trending online for such an ugly lie.  I will admit , some of what I posted was in bad taste.   I didn’t need a social media account at that point.  Tastless jokes that were absolutely taken out of context.  I apologize to everyone who I did offend for ANYTHING I have ever said.  I owned up to what I did say.  I also issued an apology on twitter that day because Dave Lagana from TNA told me to.  He reached out to me and told me that even if I didn’t tweet them to apologize because it would make me look bad if I didn’t.  I listened and I shouldn’t have.  I was directed to delete my apology from a more reliable knowledgeable source shortly after. I panicked.  I was sad.  I contemplated quitting.  I cried for a month.  I didn’t know how I would come back from such a horrible accusation.  And I only looked guilty.

But obviously I came back a little stronger and with a little thicker skin. Its going to have to take a little more than a pathetic group of trolls living with mommy to fuck me up.

Before each and everyone of you judge me or call me names, please.  Make sure you are perfect first.  Make sure that you have never made a mistake.  Or made someone cry, or said something hurtful.  Make sure you have never made a tasteless , sexist, racist joke of any kind before you judge someone else.  We all make mistakes and we learn from them and evolve.  We grow and we mature.  We become stronger and smarter. We become more aware of what is OK and what is not OK.

I’ve changed and matured and mentally grown  over the last 5 years especially.   I am a human being.   I have feelings.  I deserve to be successful and I know my worth.  I will be damned if someone who isn’t god himself will tell me I am a failure and a racist and I don’t belong.

I am not a racist. I am not a biggot.

I love all life.  I love everyone.

We are all here to make a difference and learn and grow.   Listen to all sides and form your own opinion based on your experience with that person / situation.

I feel like I am more sad and bitter these days and I am letting too much get to me. Things that didn’t used to get to me.  I think I’ve left all these feelings bottled up for a while so I wanted to put this blog out there. Try to clear my name.  Try to explain my side.  Closure.

 

Thanks for listening.

I fully expect hate and accusations to start over again but at this point like I said, I’ve heard it all.  Just please know you are hating me for something I am not.

 

 

 

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