Another blog is long overdue. Lets jump right in.
Since the end of December i decided to get back on the “Fitness Band wagon” for lack of a better term. For the last year i was in a deep depression because i let things get to me and it caused me to let myself go. I gained about 60 pounds from it. Was i ok with it?
Hell no. Did i wanna do anything about it at the time? Another Hell no.
I often thought to myself, whats the point? Who gives a shit? Why should i try so hard when every single time i try i get knocked down? So what the f*ck is the point?
In My head, i would be so disgusted with myself every time i saw a picture of me pop up on twitter, or instagram because of what i looked like. I would be unhappy with the reflection that starred back at me every morning. I felt that i was so far gone that i felt like i couldn’t do anything about it. Or i wouldn’t do anything about it because “Boo hoo. Why?”
Well, it took some major reality checking and tough love for me to realize that i was just feeling sorry for myself, and that is not who i am. That has never been what defined me as a person. So why am i letting it affect me this deeply now?
I had to get the f*ck up, dust that shit off, and DO SOMETHING. I told myself … “Listen, Bitch. You’re a badass. You are strong. Your past doesn’t define you. Your career isn’t over. You have people who look up to you. Stop feeling sorry for yourself … Stop making excuses. Stop saying ‘i’ll start Monday!’ Do this shit now. You’re 30 years old. It is now or never.”
So, 3 months ago i pulled myself out of the sadness i let over take me. I started lifting at the gym. I started cleaning up my diet. Another thing i stopped doing was comparing myself to others. I’ve accepted my body for what it is, i saw a tremendous different in my outlook of myself as a whole. Ladies, you cannot sit on social media all day and wish you could look like the model, the wrestler, the actress, etc. This is the beautiful thing about all of us ladies. We are each unique in our own way. All of our bodies are different. Shape, size, features, hair…. We aren’t all suppose to be the same. You cant obsess over wanting someone else’s body type when you can focus on your own body and making it the best and most healthy that it can be.
I still struggle with comparing sometimes. I still get down on myself too. But the difference now is that i can pull myself out of it because i know my worth. I know that even when i am at my most fit, that i still have a booty and thick thighs, and i don’t want it any other way. This is my body and its about damn time i embrace that. When i was young, in high school, i was confident. I had no issues with my body. Boys had crushes on me. I was friends with everyone. I was happy with who i was. I started training to wrestle when i was a senior in high school. i was DEVASTATED when the guys there told me that i needed to LOSE WEIGHT if i wanted to do anything in this business. Here i was, just turned 17, and my world was FLIPPED upside down. They would point out my cellulite, grab at my legs and make comments about how it wasn’t acceptable. It broke my heart.
here are some pictures of me from high school:
Now, looking at these pictures i get so mad. I let them tell me i didn’t look the part. I let the guys i trained with (i was the only girl) , and jerk wrestling “fans” convince me i wasn’t skinny enough. Or beautiful enough. For several years up to now even, i would obsess over parts of me that weren’t “perfect”. I invested in so many diet fads and obsessed over what i was suppose to look like for so long because of this. I am actually crying right as i type this very sentence because i let haters convince me i wasn’t good enough. If i could go back and tell the girl is these pictures above that she was beautiful, and didn’t need to crash diet, do juice cleanses, and pinch at her legs in the mirror wishing they were smaller, i would. I would tell her not to listen to the negativity.
If i knew then what i know now, i would have gotten further, faster. Maybe. Or maybe i was suppose to go through all of that heart ache. Maybe it was suppose to make me who i am today. Regardless, here we are. Despite all of the issues I’ve dealt with negatively, there has also been some positive. I gained an amazing fan base through being DIFFERENT alone. There are fans i have met who have become friends, who have touched my heart as i have theirs. Who give me support even when i fucked up. Who accept me for who i am, so why shouldn’t i accept myself?????
After embracing all of this, and even writing out this very blog, i realize that i have a voice. I have a voice that people listen to. I get messages often from people who tell me that i have inspired them. They reach out to me for help. I want to help them. if i can, i will.
Because i started believing in myself, i am happier and healthier. In 3 months i am down almost 50 pounds and counting. I am happy living a healthier life style and I’m doing this because it helps ME feel better about ME! I am going to be the best me that i can, and i am going to succeed.
Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom and feel sorry for yourself to realize you can do better for yourself. You are allowed to have as many day ones as you need, we are all human. But when you get to the point where you know something needs to change, do it for YOURSELF! Not for another person. Not for your job. Because if you do it for anyone other than yourself, then it won’t last. You owe it to yourself.
So the title of this blog is an AFI lyric that has always hit home for me. Because its questions that i have always had ask myself. I know the answer now.
Am i beautiful? Am i usable? —- Fuck yes. Yes i am. And so are you. Find motivation in whatever it is you love. And be the best you , that you can be.
Don’t let them tell you that you cant. No more excuses.
“Do you boo boo!! Cuz ima do ME!” – Kevin Hart (Genius)
As always thank you for your time. I really appreciate it. If anyone needs help, feel free to message me.
I want to continue to inspire you all in anyway that i can.
If i can do this, so can you.
Love you all,